


You Need Her

by earpsolano



Category: Jane the Virgin (TV)
Genre: 1x02 - 1x04, F/F, Luisa's POV, a little angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-08-31 10:58:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8575681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earpsolano/pseuds/earpsolano
Summary: You want her, you don't need her.You say 'leave him' , she says this is a 'temporary thing'.but you'll take what you can get.because you don't want her, you need her.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! So I haven't posted anything in a month and a half (oops) but I was having troubles with my writing. But I'm back and I hope you like this little one shot (which may or may not become a series, we shall see).
> 
> Enjoy!

You want her, you do not need her. 

You don’t need anyone but yourself. You’re strong, you have your self-control and yes, we all make mistakes, but mistakes don’t make you.

The bottle sat in front of you, that’s a mistake waiting to happen. But you won’t make that mistake, not again. You just stare at it. The cap sealed and the clear liquid filing the bottle to the brim. You don’t need to drink it, you want to, but you don’t.

You have control, control over your weaknesses, control over your actions and at long last you have control over your feelings for her.

Well, you thought you did.

The door opens and she walks in, her step faltering as she sees the bottle sat on the table before you, but you barely register her presence until the door shuts and she starts to speak. 

‘What are you doing?’ You turn to see her, praying that your stomach doesn’t tighten and your breath doesn’t get stuck in your throat when you see her. Praying that she doesn’t have the effect on you she once did. But she does, and you know it.

You talk, she listens, but you can see her eyes tracing your figure as you speak.

Her smile sends a shiver down your spine and you remember how much you miss her.

‘You’re crazy, you know that?’ 

You know.

You know that what you did next, was crazy. 

But you did it anyway.

Next thing you know lips collided, clothes are lost, mistakes are made, again, and then she’s gone.

Again.

There was something about her that made you forget about everything else, everyone else, every problem, every mistake, everything but her, was forgotten in a moment of time which would never be forgotten.

But she always left, she had to, and that’s when the heart shattering reality came crashing back, flooding your mind and threatening to break you. 

You blamed yourself, you let her walk in and out of your life, you let her use you, you let her because you loved her, and if you had the chance to start over, to walk away, you wouldn’t. 

You let her, because what you got was better than nothing. Whispers behind closed doors and lies to the world was better than before, so you let her break your heart again and again and again.

She was worth it, wasn’t she?

You picked up the bottle from the table and a smile formed on your face. 

You are stronger than the urges, the voices, you are stronger than this.

But you’re not strong enough to stay away from her.

But maybe that wasn’t a bad thing.

You knew from the moment she walked into that restaurant five years ago that you had made a mistake. 

She had made a mistake.

A mistake that should never be repeated. 

A mistake you repeated.

A mistake she repeated.

A mistake you both repeated over and over again.

So yes, the first time was a mistake, neither of you knew, but the uncountable repeats, were they mistakes or a choice you made?

Rose must know what she was doing to you, but she didn’t stop, but we all know what they say, every rose has its thorns, and she was covered in them.

Beautiful but dangerous.

You had been so consumed by your thoughts, you almost forgot about party, and when you remembered you almost didn’t go. 

She was going to be there, and you weren’t sure you could hold eye contact with her right now, never mind a conversation.

But you go, because you have to. Because you don’t want to disappoint anyone.

Your brother is there and his once happy expression when he saw you has been replaced with disappointment, regret and a look you can’t quite place.

He asks your father why you’re here, he didn’t want you here.

Everything you did for him, after all of it, this is how he treats you.

You hold a false smile for as long as you can and ignore the tears threatening to appear in your eyes as you block out your families conversation, and that’s when you see her.

You notice the way she walks, as if she owned the place, which thanks to her sham of a marriage, she kind of did.

She greets everyone else before you, perhaps she can’t face you right now, or maybe the save the best till last rules apply here.

‘Luisa’ You can hear the straining in her voice, the sparks sent through her with the smallest contact of skin.

You knew she regretted it, but you also know she wouldn’t take it back.

She avoided you for the rest of the party.

The next day comes too quick. You got lost in your thoughts and you lost track of time. When you wake up you don’t remember going home, you don’t remember falling asleep, you don’t remember your dreams, but you do remember yesterday and the way her hips swayed as she walked away and now, she’s walking towards you. Your father, her husband, by her side.

A family lunch. That’s what Emilio had called it on the phone to you last week. After you had asked Rose for help with your ‘legal woes’, your father had remembered your existence and insisted on seeing you.

You love your father, but every time you see him with her you feel physically sick. It is just one big reminder that what you’re doing is beyond wrong, and usually, that’s a problem, but today it’s not.

When you see them walking towards you, you don’t feel that sicking feeling at the pit of your stomach or the urge to run away. In fact, you find yourself smiling.

You had known that you wanted her, but you had spent months doubting if she wanted you. After that night of screaming and crying, declarations of love and hate being thrown at one another and her slamming the door and leaving you behind, you had your doubts whether she still loved you the way she once had.

You thought she did, but now you knew she did.

And now you knew, you couldn’t help feeling a little smug. Knowing how easy it was to break her walls. Knowing when she says ‘we can’t’ that she doesn’t mean it. That everything she has with him, is a lie.

A conversation starts, but you don’t pay attention. You just sit and watch her, you watch her try to ignore your eyes burning into her.

‘Hey guys, can I get you something to drink?’

The definition of awkward hits you like a bus as you’re reminded of another mistake you made, preferably one you don’t repeat. 

Your heart was racing in your chest and the world had started to spin when the woman carrying your mistake left, but with one glance at Rose, everything settled.

She was like a drug to you. One that covered the pain, covered the reality of the problem and if you keep taking it, the problem disappears. But the problem is still there and when she’s gone it all comes crashing back like a tidal wave, and your drowning in without her and there is no escape, you’ve let the problem grow too big and the only way to make it stop is her.

It’s a vicious cycle you’ve been stuck in for far too long.

Your eyes are fixed to her once more, but you let them glance down, only for a second to distract her, to watch her reaction.

She glances at you, a smug smirk spreads across your face.

He leaves, she stays.

‘What are you doing?’ She knows what you’re doing, she is trying not to unravel before you, to show her weakness, but you both know her weakness.

‘Leave him.’

‘What?’ She knows what you said, but you break it down, your lost in the momen, lost in the illusion. 

‘Let’s go somewhere, together, you don’t love him.’ You know she doesn’t love him, you assume the reason she’s with him is the money, or maybe she just likes watching you suffer.

It wouldn’t surprise you.

You watch her guard threaten to fall, crumbling around her as she brushes your accusation away.

‘What happened yesterday was a mistake’ once is a mistake, every other time was a choice ‘It’s not going to happen again.’

You can’t help but let your smile grow.

The amount of times those words, that phrase had left her mouth over the last five years had made it lose its meaning.

So when your phone rang a few hours later, you knew it was her.

You knew what she was going to say.

You knew you should say no.

You knew that going back to her was not going to help her.

You knew that after everything, after the effects of the last break up, the relapse, rehab… you knew this, this was not the right thing to do.

But you went to her when she called.

You let her win the metaphorical game, she got what she wanted, you. 

But you got what you wanted, her.

Next thing you know lips collided, clothes are lost, mistakes are made, again. 

Her smile is your everything and it’s been so long since you saw it, since you last saw her smiling with her eyes, not the fake bullshit she gives the world, her real smile.

‘This is just a temporary thing.’ 

A thing. Is that all you’ll ever be?

You push these thoughts aside and watch as the world works around you and your frozen in a moment you wish would never end.

But it does.

It always does.

You were lost once more, lost in the illusion, lost in the dream, lost in her and what you could have been. But when you get lost, eventually you find your way, you find the reality, and it hits you hard. 

You glance down the empty corridor and you see him. 

You take a double take.

This can’t be real.

This is not happening.

You have no time to think, you just react and ignore the consequences, you pull the alarm.

You watch as she steps out the room, confused, but with one quick glance at you it all makes sense.

And then she’s gone, again.

As she pulls him away you run back to the scene of the crime, you remove the evidence that you were ever there and you walk away.

You walk away, back to your apartment, but when you walk through the door you are hit with a thousand flashbacks. 

Memories of her.

Where she sat when she told you she loved you for the first time.

Where she stood whilst you screamed at her.

Where she promised you everything was going to be okay.

Your home was where her memories lived, and there was no escaping it.

She was everywhere.

You couldn’t leave her behind if she was everywhere.

But you needed some time away.

You needed to leave.

You didn’t want to leave her, that’s the last thing you wanted, but she wasn’t going to ‘leave him’, so why should you stay.

You packed a bag, quickly, you can’t be here anymore, you need to leave, just for a while.

So you leave.

She won’t care.

She won’t notice your even gone.

You keep telling yourself that, but a small part of you knows that’s not true.

You don’t know how long it’s been since you left and you don’t know when you’re going back, all that you know is you miss her. Everything you’ve been trying to do to forget Rose, to move on, to start over. 

None of it works.

You keep seeing her face.

One night, you turn your phone on and see all the miss calls, all the messages she had left for you, and in a moment of weakness, you put the phone to your ear and listen.

‘Luisa, it’s me. Look, I don’t know where you are, if you’re drinking, if you’re okay. But you need to come home.’ You nearly laughs, despite the tears rolling down your cheeks, at the word home. Home, your apartment, the Marbella or Miami? Why do you need to come home? Rose doesn’t need you, and you have spent the last few weeks trying to convince yourself you don’t need her.

You don’t need her.

‘Look, I-I spoke to your lawyer, and there's going to be a pre-trial motion in two weeks, and if you don't show up, Jane will get a default judgment. Rafael will lose his share of the hotel.’

You feel a wave of emotions take over your body. 

You’re not sure of it’s her voice, the mention of your brother or the fact that leaving hasn’t helped anything, but you need to go back.

You need to go back now, you need to show your brother you care, you can’t make another mistake, he’ll never forgive you. 

But if you go back, you might fall back into old habits you came here to avoid.

And you’re no longer talking about alcohol.

Being here, away from everyone, has made you realise what you were most afraid of. 

You miss her.

You don’t want her.

You need her.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, not quite sure what that was, but anyway.
> 
> If you wanna send me ideas/talk to me/stalk me my twitter is @ReganAlver
> 
> Any and all comments are hugely appreciated as it lets me know what you guys do and don't like!
> 
> Thanks for reading and I'll hopefully see y'all soon <3


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